Would You Be Willing To Surrender?
Surrender is an essential leadership skill we need to teach to those who lead.
One, one thousand.
Two, one thousand.
Three, one thousand.
Four, one thousand.
Pull.
The parachute sprung from the confines of its neatly packed backpack with the speed and chaos of a striking cobra.
I squeezed my eyes and jaws tight shut, bracing myself as the rush of air, nylon straps, and opening canopy seemed to launch me upwards into the sky like a space shuttle leaving its launchpad.
Only our altitude hadn’t increased. It was just gravity having her say.
As the canopy opened, the straps around my shoulders and my groin clenched tightly, pinching flesh and compressing nerve and bone with merciless force.
I silently bargained with my angels for swift relief as the pressure on my body increased with the relentless focus and intent of a hydraulic car compactor whilst simultaneously and temporarily starving parts of my anatomy of blood flow.
At that moment, I understood why making sure the more delicate parts of the male anatomy were ‘properly dressed’ was not just a throwaway line in the pre-flight training but an essential instruction ignored at your peril.
What felt like an eternity must have lasted no more than 15 seconds.
And then suddenly, without fanfare, everything fell silent.
It was not as silent as Dylan Thomas's ‘invisible starfall’ of a moonless Spring night, but the contrast from the voluminous rush of air of one moment to the relative calm of the next was unexpected, welcome, and deafening.
We had slowed from a terminal velocity of around 120 miles per hour to floating towards the earth at a more sedate speed of between 70 and 90 miles per hour.
I felt a tap on my shoulder.
Tongue in cheek and with a ‘twinkle’ in his voice, my tandem skydive instructor said, “Welcome to my office.” I opened my eyes more widely to take in the hues of sunset glowing through the vista of silverback clouds nestled in the early Cambridgeshire evening sky.
“Have a seat and rest your feet on mine if you want,” he offered. But at that moment, I was elsewhere. I was completely captivated and present to the visceral and undeniable sensation of feeling alive.
Awesome is a word that is tossed around, and its overuse sometimes jars on my stiff English ear, but on this occasion, it was the only word worthy of describing this sumptuous feast served up by this all-encompassing assault on my senses.
I am forever grateful that I will never be able to forget this visceral experience of being alive for as long as I live.
Falling from a perfectly serviceable aircraft at an altitude of 12,000 feet is an act of surrender (some might say a foolhardy one).
It is handing over control for your safety and survival to someone and something else. In this case, the someone and some things were, namely, my skydive instructor, gravity, functioning parachutes, an airworthy aircraft, acceptable weather conditions, and so on. It turns out the list of things control is handed over to is quite considerable.
Surrender is an act of acceptance, which is an element of the GRACE Framework™️.
When we willingly accept the fact of our mortality—whether actual or metaphorical—we open ourselves up to experiencing aliveness and presence in the moment.
As a result, we grow. Our capacity for navigating experiences increases.
My tandem skydive taught me this, and my ongoing practice of Aikido confirms this every time I step onto the mat.
Surrender Is A Component of Leadership Practice
So, a question to consider then is, would you be willing to consider the act of surrender to achieve a better outcome, to lead more effectively?
I anticipate most of you reading this would instinctively say “absolutely not” and say so in a heartbeat. And that may be a fair, instinctive response.
This is not an easy question to answer until it’s examined more closely.
Hustle, sport and military culture would, as a default stance, tell us to “never surrender”. However, the question becomes more nuanced when we ask ourselves, “Surrender what exactly?”
The greatness of a man’s1 power is the measure of his surrender ~ William Booth
Our society and culture assume surrender means loss or giving up. The construct of surrender is well recognised and adopted in many religious and spiritual traditions2, and it is little discussed and barely researched in psychology. Whenever it is discussed in the psychological literature, it is primarily as a coping mechanism for times of crisis or as a tool to overcome addiction.
Perhaps the skydive experience helps frame the concept of surrender better as “an act of handing over control and personal will to another person in faith, trust, and commitment, and agreeing to be led into unknown territory without control of the outcome.”
Falling to the Aikido mat when thrown powerfully by our training partners requires complete surrender and complete relaxation of any physical and mental tension within us. It requires that the ones required to fall must let go of themselves with a complete acceptance of what is about to happen as our training partner uses our energy to take another step forward to mastering their own Aikido technique.
We often hesitate in an attempt to control being hurt physically. We attempt to protect ourselves, which manifests in physical tension in our bodies and overthinking what happens next. Instead of enjoying and allowing the process to unfold, we focus on the outcome.
We experience this hesitation too at work in ourselves and those we work with.
When we do this, we express our reactive strengths to ensure that we remain safe, that others perceive us to ‘be enough’, and that we have that reassuring sense of belonging somewhere.
Yet when we resist surrender, we are attempting to control what, in essence, is uncontrollable. We strive to survive through what believe is an act of will. Yet, paradoxically, is an act of won’t3.
We often forget to acknowledge the power our interpersonal neurobiology has over our behaviours.
In our teams, we hesitate to speak up or we engage in behaviour designed to protect our turf. We avoid being perceived as weak by choosing to avoid interaction, or we ensure we fit in and comply through performative behaviours.
In meetings, we dominate the conversation to suppress other voices that might derail our desired outcomes.
There are a myriad of other overt and covert ways in which we resist surrender. These are overused strengths that have brought us to where we are now. If unchecked, they will prevent us from progressing further.
Underlying “never surrender” is an internal assumption that if I am not __________, then I am perceived as, or I feel __________.
For example, if I am not right, then people will judge me to be _________ (fill in the blank). Hence, I am not willing to surrender because of this internal assumption.
“Leadership is not about forcing your will on others.
It's about mastering the art of letting go."~ Phil Jackson, Former NBA Coach, Chicago Bulls
As it is on the basketball court, so it is in the Aikido dojo and in the places and contexts of our lived experience, whether at work, at home or in community life.
We cannot learn and progress without a willingness to surrender to our training partner and our teacher, whether the teacher happens to be a person or an experience. The more we are willing to do so intentionally and consciously, the more we increase our capacity to perform in a given context.
Surrendering is not easy, but it is essential to growing and developing our humility, grace, and courage from the inside out.
Contrary to the culturally ingrained belief and expectation that personal growth, strength, and freedom can be gained only through the exercise of choice and volition, these can also be gained through surrender.
In business, leadership practice becomes a practice of surrender, of giving oneself to someone else for the benefit of each member of a team, including you, either as a team leader or team coach.
“…When we interact, we are impacting each other’s internal biological state and influencing the long term construction of each other’s brains. This, in essence, is how loves becomes flesh… ”
~ Lou Cozolino, The Neuroscience of Human Relationships (2013)
This may seem counterintuitive, but from witnessing the experience of elite athletes and performing artists, many will confirm that their best performances came from an act of surrender rather than by force of process.
On the dojō mat, surrender protects the person falling from injury. Surrender allows our training partners to be ‘all-in’ with their practice to improve their fine motor skills without impediment.
The real skill of raising performance is bound up in the act of surrender.
The word ‘lead’ comes from the old English word, ‘læden’, which means ‘to cause to go with oneself’ and also to ‘bring forth’. Its origin reminds us that today’s understanding of the idea of leading is confused and has lost its way.
Surrender expands our comfort zone and results in a gain for ourselves and, often, in the same act, a gain for others. It enables stretch. It provides room to grow.
Surrender means to open up, to open up to your whole self, and to give in and let go of the things you think you’re supposed to be.
Surrender means simply being who you are.
Warren Bennis noted that becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. He said, “It’s that simple, and it’s that difficult.”
So, I wonder, what opportunities may gift you that chance to experiment and be willing to surrender today?
And if and when you do, what might you and others around you gain from it?
The original quotation refers to men but clearly applies equally to women.